75 thoughts everyone had at CPAC

1. The people here are either old AF or can’t even legally drink…
2. Why is everyone here dressed exactly the same? What ever happened to diversity?
3. What’s with all of the communist red?
4. This security line is insane.
5. God, conservatives are hot.
6. Men in suits. Everywhere.
7. Wait, you have a curfew?! Are we 5?
8. This hotel is fancy AF, I feel poor.
9. Why is there a posse around that guy? Is he famous?
10. Oh, someone said he was on Fox News once. You and everyone else here, dude.
11. Why are you wearing those shoes?!
12. It looks like Bambi taking her first steps.
13. Please tell me you brought flats.
14. OMG Sean Hannity just walked by…
15. DID YOU SEE?!
16. That was beautiful. I can die happy now.
17. STOP TRYING TO GIVE ME YOUR UGLY ASS STICKERS.
18. CPAC? More like Con-chella…
19. Everyone here is drinking, drunk, talking about being drunk, or hungover AF. (me)
20. Where’s the party tonight?
21. Same place as last night?! Well, at least I won’t get lost.
22. There’s a mechanical bull here? Where the fuck am I?
23. So many horny people.
24. Pretty sure everyone in this room has had sex with at least one person in this room.
25. Why is Scott Walker even here? Who is he?
26. There’s a Ben for President booth here? Are they renting it out after his speech tomorrow?
27. His merch better at least be on sale.
28. Oh, Ben Carson. Bless his heart.
29. So many rules! I thought Big Gov sucked…
30. Wait, who invited State Farm?
31. Or, Target?
32. Oh, it’s TPUSA…
33. What is with all this red? What is this Soviet Russia?
34. CPAC, sponsored by: Lilly Pulitzer, Vineyard Vines and Brooks Brothers.
35. Matching skirts, shoes AND shirts? When’s Bid Day?
36. I bet they have songs, too.
37. CPAC is conservative Disneyland. Is there a FastPass for this line tho?
38. They have metal detectors this year? When did CPAC partner with the TSA?
39. LOL DONALD DROPPED OUT. Wonder if he heard about everyone protesting him.
40. Is that Work by Rihanna in the HUB rn? Who’s shower jamz playlist is this?
41. If I hear the Wobble one more time, I’m busting the speakers.
42. It feels like a middle school dance in here.
43. OMG people still use YikYak?
44. Wow, betches be raunchy AF on here.
45. Is that a flash mob? What is this, 2011?
46. I’ve got 99 problems and this security line is all of them.
47. CPAC drinking game: shot every time you hear someone say “Reagan.”
48. LOL JK I’LL DIE IN THE FIRST HOUR.
49. Do these people pray to Reagan at night?
50. Waiting for Ted Cruz’s speech be like....3 hours later *Spongebob voice*
51. Ah, there’s Ted.
52. These conservatives are peeing their pants over Ted Cruz, OH MY GOD.
53. It’s like that episode of Spongebob with the mop and Squidward’s arm…
54. Ted: WOOOOOOO! Donald: BOOOOOOOO!
55. Time to get drunk, again.
56. I think I’m still hungover from last night, or maybe I’m just tired, or maybe both. IDK.
57. *3 whiskey gingers later* Wait, did I even eat dinner today? Or lunch? Fuck I only had crackers.
58. Oh wait, I had the free popcorn at Heritage.
59. Fuck I don’t know how I’m going to wake up tomorrow it’s already 3am.
60. Another day, another speech.
61. Thank God Donald cancelled and let us sleep in. The only time I’ll be happy about a decision he has made.
62. Here comes Marco! You go Marcoco!
63. Bitches in here be crying over Marco’s speech…
64. It was pretty good though, I see why he’s popular.
65. STRAW POLL! SHIT I FORGOT TO VOTE!
66. Ted won… am I even surprised? Nope.
67. LOLOL Donald only got 15 percent of the vote. Awk. So much for being a “conservative.”
68. Wait, which one of you fuckers gave Bernie Sanders 1 percent of the vote?
69. The only time he will say “I’m in the 1 percent, and proud.”
70. Fuck this I need to go home and sleep, are we done?
71. But wait, I don’t want to leave these people. They get me.
72. I’m never drinking alcohol again.
73. Wait, Reaganpolooza is tonight… I guess one more night won’t kill me.
74. Dear Lord, please don’t let me get the CPAC Plague.
75. Only 365 more days til we back at it.